Fable
by yvj
Summary: A tale of heroes and adventures, of dragons and princesses, of evil wizards and kingdoms in turmoil. A somewhat epic fantasy involving things of that nature and more. PG 15


A/N

Disclaimer: The following is a heavily biased, self indulgent, VULGAR and IMMATURE tale borne from internet escapades. I'd like to think this is a humorous farce, but I know some may feel different. I'm ok with that, leave me a message and we can have a friendly or non friendly chat, over the content of the story.

The thing is I got the idea for this after trolling the net for long periods of time and I just had to get it out there, I could have kept it to myself but it would have driven me insane.

In then end I just hope the story is simply funny. Oh and this STORY IS A BORDERLINE M RATER

* * *

Once upon a time in the kingdom called Kanen there were two lovers. Now Kanen was a very old kingdom. Hundreds perhaps thousands of lovers had crossed the threshold of the Trinity Temple with intentions of tying their hearts together in the sacred ritual of union. But there were those lovers who were handpicked by the heavens; they carried with them a love forged in the furnace of the Trinity themselves.

Such a love could be found between the heir to the throne of Kanen Kimberly Anne Possible and the captain of the armed forces Ronald Stoppable. Nowhere in the kingdom, in any kingdom across the lands would you find a more unlikely pair. The princess of the kingdom traversing the town with the son of a minor banker was an uncommon sight indeed. Yet the strength of their friendship never wavered, it only grew, blossoming into something that seemed inevitable to everyone but themselves.

Things were not always peaceful in the kingdom. Countless times the evil magician Drakken and his associate Shego plotted against Kanen, and eventually against Kimberly herself. But after much drama the inevitable had come, enabled by their budding romance Kimberly and Ronald banded together to foil Drakken's wicked scheme.

With Drakken and Shego defeated, Kim and Ron enjoyed their time together. Encouraged by his partner Ron joined the Kanen military academy. Having been blessed by the Trinity with impressive power and combative abilities, Ron quickly rose to the ranks of Head Captain, the youngest ever to achieve such an honor. Their future bright, in their twenty first years of life, they crossed the thresholds of the Trinity Temple and exchanged vows.

Weeks after the union ceremony; the princess found herself in the midst of a vast expanse of flowering meadows reflecting on all that had happened. Lost in thought, she waded through a patch of wildflowers that gave off exquisite smells as she moved through them.

A shadow fell over the princess and it brought a smile to her face.

"I knew I'd fine you here" a voice said from behind her.

Inhaling deeply she relished the flowery scent in the air for the first time. "Back so soon Ron, your campaign against the northern raiders lasted nary a week."

"I made sure that things were handled swiftly. I felt the need to return home as quickly as possible."

"Ah I see Kanen's champion returns to his wife so he can regal her with tales of his heroics."

He blushed "I wouldn't call them heroics…."

She faced him "oh really, then how do you explain you're name being on the lips of every child, in every village of the kingdom."

With a sharp sigh he said "you should truly reconsider things Kim. We both know you should be riding beside me--

Kim rolled her eyes and said "we've had this discussion before. It is the job of the Royal Guardians to protect the kingdom from marauders."

Ron ran his right hand across the back of his neck "I know but you can join, the rules can change. With you're father's help, I can surely convince--

Placing a finger to his lips she said "Ron did you rush back to me to talk of politics?"

"I"

Kim leaned into him and gave him a passionate yet gentle kiss on the lips.

"I'm very proud of you. You must know that. But just remember you're my champion first and foremost."

"Of course" he stated. "But--

"Don't worry about me, do your duty, protect the kingdom. I'll be busy watching over the castle and the nearby villages whenever you're away."

"I see you've given this more thought than I considered."

"A husband should never underestimate his wife" she said.

(Arrrghhh kissy face)

The words echoed in both of their heads and they turned to see a pinkish horse step through a screen of bushes. Rufus Ron's familiar strutted over to Kim and gave a snort of disapproval.

"Ah Rufus you don't seem to have enjoyed you're latest adventure."

(Haven't been fed right in a week)

"He lies" Ron announced.

(Almost broke leg getting here. _Good_ master couldn't wait to see Kim. Almost rode me into the ground.)

"That's enough Rufus."

(Cheese may quiet my tongue.)

Ron had been set to argue that Rufus had eaten well above his quota on cheeses for the month but a tug on his arm brought his attention back to Kim.

She was pulling him away from his familiar "you can have all the cheese you want in the morning Rufus. Ron has a very important appointment back at the castle."

"Really? I thought we could stay out here in the sunshine for awhile longer."

Kim pulled him along "Ron I haven't seen my husband in a week. I am now in the mood for a different type of --shine altogether."

"Moonshine?"

"Guess again."

"What other kind of shine could you possibly--Oh"

* * *

The kingdom had reached a new era of peace of prosperity. Yet not everyone was happy. There were those in the kingdom who plotted and brooded over vengeance. One such person was the evil magician Drakken.

"I sense your anger Drakken, your disappointment is very clear. You desire to rule the lands of Kanen."

"Does a bear mate in the woods?" Drakken proclaimed as he surveyed the dim candle lit room the stranger had lured him into.

It was a queer turn of events. Drakken had been wandering the shadows of the marketplace, avoiding the gaze of the citizens and searching for key ingredients for his spells. He had been envisioning his latest plan when abruptly he found himself in this strange area….a library of some kind, a weird twisted library that could only service the denizens of hell.

"………..To bring Kanen to its knees, you must destroy the bonds of destiny. To do that you need strong magic."

"Indeed" Drakken saw the wisdom of this and agreed. Conquering a kingdom was not nearly as easy as one would imagine.

Drakken also perceived that the man somehow had intimate knowledge of his deepest desires. He had heard about this before, other magicians selling their souls for unimaginable power. He studied the mysterious figure that stood before him, hunchbacked and slumped over. He had lank hair and unusually pale skin; his face was hidden by a hood, to the point where it seemed impossible to catch a glimpse of his face.

Drakken reflected on the situation. Could he possibly sell his soul? And would his mother approve?

"Can you give me such power?"

"I can show you a few spells; spells that will break the foundation that holds the kingdom together."

The stranger shambled into a back room and returned a moment later with a worn and dusty book. He dropped the book onto a wooden table and flipped to an earmarked page. He placed a bony finger at the top of his page.

"Read."

"What's the price?" Drakken inquired.

"Free, a gift" he sneered.

Drakken allowed his eyes to fall onto the book. The spell of 'grand confusion' didn't sound all that menacing. 'When in Rome' is what he muttered to himself before reading the spell out loud. The stranger dragged his finger to the bottom of the page.

The spell of "intolerable cruelty?"

It didn't sound so bad, so Drakken read. Swiftly the stranger turned the page, and once again his scrawny finger pressed against the page.

"Read, another gift."

The stranger was a pushy one. But Drakken was willing to accept rudeness if it meant unlimited power. The spell of "passively aggressive resentment?" To Drakken that sounded even less daunting than the first spell, but still he read. After reciting the spell of "over the top exaggerations" Drakken angrily pulled his face from the book.

"It is done" the stranger barked.

Drakken did not feel stronger or smarter or faster. He extended his arms forward and half expected immense bolts of lightning to spring from his fingertips into the walls. When he noted nothing was different about himself he expressed his displeasure.

The stranger cut him off with a chuckle "the spells don't work like that; they're more of an intangible thing. But the wheels have been set in motion I assure you."

"Intangible…?"

"Yes meaning not tangible; incapable of being perceived by the sense of touch, as incorporeal or immaterial things; impalpable."

Drakken nodded in acknowledgment. He then deftly lifted the book into the air and used it to club the stranger in the head. The pale hunchback fell to the ground like a sack of potatoes or any other such cliché's that involve sacks.

"What in the underworld….?" He cried.

"I'm a bad man. And bad men do not like to be made into fools."

Drakken then placed the book under his arm. "I'll be taking this, maybe _I'll_ find something useful in here. Now do you have a problem with that?"

The hunchback shrugged and waved him off "hey we're all evil here. This is what we do, listen here's a tip. If you're ever in any real danger check the last page it's the bee's knees."

The wanna be conqueror glanced around one last time, he took in the dankness of the room and it caused him to shiver. He hated to admit it, but there was something undoubtedly sinister about the place, too sinister even for him.

"If I return, I will a return a ruler of men." Drakken turned dramatically on his heels and marched out the door.

* * *

Back at the castle Kim had awoke with a start. Turning her head, her eyes fell to the form of her sleeping husband. A smile of contentment came to her face, but it was not there for long. For the smile disappeared as quickly as it formed and its disappearances was followed by a involuntary shudder.

Unaware of the dark cloud hanging over her bed chamber the princess slipped out from between her sheets. She stepped out into an open terrace and was immediately embraced by the warmth of the morning sun. She stared up at the cloudless sky. Her eyes were still too tired to really see, but she thought she saw a rainbow just above the horizon.

"I see now" she said.

A tingle of excitement flashed through her and she opened her arms to the world. A chirping bluebird suddenly perched on her shoulder. Kim joined in with the bird and together they sang a sweet song of revelations.

* * *

"Ron I've been meaning to say this for awhile but I think we've grown apart."

"Pardon?"

The comely princess and the stalwart captain sat in a canoe in the middle of Lake Kanen basking under the glorious noon day sun. Twas a fine day for a picnic, clear skies, cool breezes and chirping bids made for a delightfully tranquil scene that would calm the soul of even the most savage of individuals.

Ron was in the middle of savoring the moment when the air around them had suddenly gone cold.

"Pardon?" he repeated.

"I'm sorry to say that our relationship has reached a point where it can no longer grow. We've come to a dead end unfortunately."

There was a pause as the blond warrior attempted to extrapolate a hint of humor from his lovers tone.

"But...our union ceremony was only three weeks ago."

She offered onto her spouse a smile of fanciful whimsy "yes but unfortunately that doesn't change the fact that I'm a lesbian now."

Ron blinked "I am not familiar with the word."

"Lez-bee-uhn" she sighed. "An adjective of or pertaining to Lesbos; of, pertaining to, or characteristic of female homosexuality. I am only attracted to women now."

Ron glanced over his shoulders as if searching for someone or something to explain the situation in detail.

He chuckled lightly "is it the first of April already/"

"I'm afraid I'm quite serious."

They sat there quietly listening to lake water lapping at the shore. Beads of sweat appeared on Ron's forehead, as the lake babbled with the sounds of hushed gossiping. What was happening, when did things get so cold? He wondered.

"When did you turn into a lesbian?" he inquired.

"That's rude, I didn't turn into a lesbian I blossomed into one."

A joke it must have been a joke Ron thought.

"But…." He calmed himself "we've know each other since childhood. We've shared, all of out most intimate secrets. I'm not the most perspective man but…..did you have these feeling before?"

Kim leaned against the side of the canoe and dipped her fingers into the water

"Actually no; well not until this morning anyway."

"This morning?"

"This revelation came to me on the heels of a wondrous dream" she cooed.

"A dream about what?"

"Shego."

"Shego?" Ron exclaimed.

The dream went like so. In a faraway land on strange rooftop overlooking a sharp protruding tower of immense phallic proportions, Kim and Shego were locked in mortal combat. The princess had been put on the defense by the raven haired beauty's aggressive style of combat. She parried and dodged as best she could but she was clearly on her heels. A taunt grin appeared on her enemy's face as she exploited an opening and struck with expert viciousness. A mighty wound appeared on Kim's shoulder as her royal and noble blood spilled to the floor.

Luckily her mage armor managed to extend itself slightly before spreading over her wound. Her gash had been healed but her pride had not. Stricken with anger Kim countered the next attack, thinking quickly she used a minor wind based spell to hasten her quickness. Then with marvelous use of low level magic she used afterimages to confuse Shego with a combination of feints. Using all the strength she could muster she kicked the unsuspecting villain into the mighty bulging tower.

As the tower collapsed the beauteous princess looked on in triumph. However through the falling debris she couldn't help but notice the firm swell of her enemy's heaving bosom, and the curvature of her childbearing hips. The wind blowing through Shego's scattered yet lustrous hair as the remnants of the tower descended upon her sent a shiver of excitement through her lady's loins. Quickly Kim leaped off the rooftop and rushed towards the remains of the ruined tower. Fearing the worst she crept slowly towards the wreckage. But her heart went a flutter as Shego suddenly rose from the pile as a Phoenix from the ashes. While Shego brushed the dirt of her body Kim noticed that she had something clutched in her right hand.

She revealed the object in her palm "I appear to have hurt my back on this pea."

Kim gasped "only the most sensitive of the purest noble souls would have felt a pea amongst such rubble. You must truly be my beloved."

"Beloved? Never had I expected to be lover by one who annoyed me so."

The villain extended her hands to the heavens. "I shall now renounce the lifestyle and freedom I have relished until just now. Teach me wrong from right princess and I'll show you I regret all my sins."

"My love" Kim sprinted into the arms of her former rival.

Shego brushed some hair away from Kim's face "emerald eyed one, our love is one borne from the spring of society's social restraints. There can be no love purer."

Kim cooed "free from my apparent repression and self denial. I am at the peak of passion. Show me the ways of the forbidden love my lady."

And so they collapsed into a pile of sweaty limbs.

* * *

Ron stared incredulously as Kim regaled him with her dream. Long ago the captain had once been considered by most of the citizens of the kingdom as an incredible coward. But as his friendship with Kim grew into more, to everyone surprise he grew into the bravest man in all the land. He bravery knew no bounds, with the exception of course of being in the presence of monkeys and with matters of the heart. He would if asked stand by his love's side and face an army of a thousand men. But when faced with a bump in the relationship it took a will of steel for him not to panic.

And this latest bump was big enough to scrape the sky.

"Shego?" he sputtered. "She's your sworn enemy."

Kim blew out a breath between her lips "a trivial matter, and beside you can't help who you desire."

"But a few hours ago you desired me. At least I thought you desired me. Did you ever truly desire me?"

"Of course I did….yesterday. Today I do not."

"We consummated the union five times on our union night, three times before you fell asleep last night."

"Ron, trust me I have given this considerable thought."

"No, you haven't" he proclaimed matter-of-factly. "You said you had this dream this morning."

"So?"

"We're having lunch!" he lowered his voice though there was no one around. "Is it because…I swear I studied the erotic scrolls as best I could, if, if you can give me some time I can learn better techniques."

"Oh Ron if it makes you feel better I did enjoy our intimate moments together…yesterday. Today I do not."

"Stop saying that! There's not that much of a gap between yesterday and today."

This was a nightmare, a nightmare unlike anything he had experienced in childhood. Soon he would awaken, with his face against a pillow of goose feathers, and Kim's warmth on his backside.

She approached him and brushed her fingers tenderly against his face "Ron I love you dearly but the thought of being intimate with you again makes my stomach turn. Know this I will always treasure our moments together and you will always hold a place in my heart."

She placed her hands over her chest "not the very special spot that Shego holds. But it's right here, right next to my brothers."

Stunned beyond belief Ron looked to the crystal clear lake, inwardly beseeching the Gods to deliver him from this, whatever this was.

"Oh and before I forget, we need to get our union nullified. So we should probably get back to the shore and head right for the temple."

* * *

So the union was nullified and Ron went into hiding, neglecting his duty as a servant of the kingdom. News of his absence eventually reached the king.

James wasn't the best ruler in the history of the kingdom but he was far from the worst. He was ok for the most part, at best good, which is why he was known to the people of the land as James the Alright. The good king would have been perfectly fine with this title if not for the fact that no one feared a king called James the Alright. The kingdom of Kanen was a prosperous land with many enemies waiting in the winds. This is where Kim and Ron entered the overall picture.

James had always liked Ronald, he was happy that he daughter found someone very devoted and loving. That ideally would have been enough; but Ron's newfound reputation as a mighty warrior was an extra bonus gained from daughter's union. Kim was remarkably strong herself and together they were a seemingly unstoppable force. The tales of his warrior princess daughter and her fearless husband (who was now the head of the armed forces) kept many of kingdom's enemies at bay. So it was distressing for the king to hear that one half of the heroic team had gone AWOL.

"Boys I do not want to see you fuse a chicken with a rabbit."

The mischievous twin princes Jim and Tim brought their attention to their father. One held a rabbit by the foot, the other a chicken, a large alchemy black pot stood in between.

"Why not?"

"Because it's an abomination, it's against the law."

"Boys listen to your father" Queen Anne said from the throne beside her husband. "It would be in bad taste to create an affront to the lords."

The twins had begun to protest but they stopped when their sister entered. She walked to the middle of the throne room and greeted her family with a bow.

"Kimmie-cub I hate to pry into your personal affairs, but where is Ron? We were supposed to have a discussion about the recent activities of the Danalli."

Kim drew in a breath "I guess this is right time for me to get this off my chest. I'm a lesbian now."

James glanced at his wife "I'm not familiar with that term."

"Lez-bee-uhn….An adjective of or pertaining to Lesbos; of, pertaining to, or characteristic of female homosexuality."

"Really?" Anne said.

"Are you certain?" James asked

With an exasperated sigh Kim rolled her eyes "why wouldn't I be certain?"

Anne shifted slightly in her throne "that walls are thin dear, there are reasons most of us moved to the west wing of the castle after your union night."

"Reasons like not getting enough sleep with you hitting them high notes" Jim remarked.

"Disturbing" Tim added.

"Boys hush" their mother said.

"Mother, father, all that was three weeks ago. A woman can change drastically in three weeks. Then I was in love with Ron, now I am in love with Shego."

Kim quickly realized she was getting nothing but confused looks from every face in the room. It was as if someone had unleashed a spell of bemusement in the area.

"Isn't she the one who tried to sacrifice you to the Krakken?"

The good king nodded "Tim makes a valid point dear. Hasn't this Shego repeatedly attempted to kill you before?"

"Ah, yet I still live father" Kim replied with a sage's grace.

"Not from her lack of trying."

Angrily the princess addressed them all at once "did it ever occur to anyone that maybe she wasn't trying that hard to kill me?"

Silence:

"Didn't she try to throw you into a vat of boiling oil?"

Kim stamped her feet against the floor "that is ancient history Jim. That is all irrelevant because I am lesbian now."

"Ok we get it." Anne exclaimed "so does Shego feel the same way."

"I haven't had the chance to ask mother. I do not know where to find her. That is why I've come to ask permission to allocate some of the castle funds."

James and Anne exchanged glances.

"I suppose it was only attempted murder.'

Anne smiled at Kim "what your father is trying to say is follow your heart dear. We will support whatever makes you happy."

Kim bowed once again "thank you father, mother."

"So what about Ron?"

"Who? Oh Ron, I haven't really seen him since we got the union nullified, then he disappeared."

"Oh dear."

"Well let's discuss this matter of dinner. Kim would you join us we're having clam burgers."

Kim shook her head "I'll pass; I've got plans."

As Kim walked towards the door, the irate chicken in Tim's hand broke free from his clutches. In a panic it made a beeline for Kim and found itself entangled in her flowing skirt.

A gleam came to Tim's eye as he looked over at his brother "that fowl sure is barking about the wrong tree."

Jim doubled over from laughter "yeah someone should let him now that Kim's no longer interested in c—

"Boys!" Anne shouted.

"You guys are so mature" Kim declared as she tried to fight off the rooster.

* * *

"Hey look at it this way. At least she didn't leave you for another dude."

Ron lifted his head off the table, and stared at the group of his trusted military advisors. Collectively the six men who sat at the round table were considered as heroes in the kingdom. The bravest and brightest men Kanen had. With the armed forces under their command and care they had driven all the bandits and marauders beyond Kanen's borders. Felix Renton, Brick Flagg, Will Du, the men known simply as Dash, Crash, and Burn had all been hand picked by Ron as Captains of Kanen's fighting force.

"What did you just say?" Ron asked.

"I was just saying I'd fine comfort knowing she's not laying down some new pip--

Brick cut himself mid-sentence when he saw Felix staring daggers at him. "Nothing I was saying nothing."

Ron sighed and leaned back into his chair. The room contained a glass roof that allowed sunlight to enter and beam down onto the table. This caused the round table to shine brightly. He had once thought the lighting effect was pretty, but now it annoyed him, everything annoyed him. The sunlight itself seemed to eat at his skin like the punishing fires of hell.

"Ron um you might be interested in this, our spies in the Dalliance Empire have reported that their military has been borrowing heavily from their neighbors. They seem to pooling their resources."

"The bard, where are the bards?" Ron shouted.

Felix sighed as four young men burst into the room. Three came in with musical instruments in hand, a harp, a lute, and a lyre; the fourth brought only his voice.

"Robby, Nicky Nick, Ryan, and Dexter; play my favorite song, I must lift my spirits."

Robby cleared his throat "Once upon a time. Not so long ago--

Those with instruments began.

--Tommy used to work on the farm. Rain's been on strike. He's down on his luck...its tough, so tough. Gina sweeps the temple all day, working for her man; she brings home her pay, for love - for love. She says we've got to hold on to what we've got, cause it doesn't make a difference. If we make it or not, we've got each other and that's a lot for love - we'll give it a shot! Whooah, were half way there, Livin on a prayer!"

"NO!" Most in the room were startled if not shocked when Ron slapped his hands against the table. "I change my mind; I am in pain, play me a song that reflects my anguish."

Robbie genuflected in acknowledgement. He gave the band a quick signal and started to croon.

"How can I just let you walk away, just let you leave without a trace. When I stand here taking every breath with you, ooh. You're the only one who really knew me at all--

Robby sang and Ron wept.

Will shook his head in disgust "if anyone from the Dalliance Empire hears of this they'll be at a border, by the next full moon."

Felix shot Will a dark look before putting a hand on Ron's shoulders "Ron-man you know it's not your fault."

Ron lifted his apparently heavy head from the table "just a moment Felix. This is the best part…….How can you just walk away from me, when all I can do is watch you leave. Cos we've shared the laughter and the pain and even shared the tears, you're the only one who really knew me at all."

Brick grimaced "listen Ron…..sir, I believe I speak for everyone when i say there are not many things more uncomfortable, then watching another man cry."

"Everyone sing, share you're captain's pain!"

Felix counted all the weary looks at the table. Not one of them was truly looking forward to being drawn into Ron's misery loves company attitude.

"Sing if you wish to be paid this month!"

The room exploded with a chorus of voices

"So take a look at me now, oh there's just an empty space, and there's nothing left here to remind me, just the memory of your face. Oh take a look at me now, well there's just an empty space, and you coming back to me is against all odds and that's what I've got to face!"

Ron placed arms around Felix's shoulders. He then began to shift from side to side in his seat. He instructed his comrades to sway with him as they sang. Always the most loyal of subordinates, he didn't need to "ask" twice, at the drop of a hat everyone moved about in brotherly unison. Ron placed his hands and the room went silent. The final lines of the songs were his to sing. He inhaled deeply.

"Take a good look at me now, cos I'll still be standing here. And you coming back to me is against all odds, it's the chance I've got to take."

He exhaled and wept again.

"If you ask me this is all her fault" Dash said breaking the awkward silence. "If she had the guts to face up to the fact that she was gay before you got united it probably wouldn't hurt as much."

"She didn't realize it until yesterday" Ron sobbed.

'That's pretty hard to believe."

A murmur of agreement went through most in the room

Ron placed his hands in the air to settle them down "friends there is a line that shall not be crossed in my presence."

Felix spoke up "guys, guys, Ron doesn't need the shoulda-woulda-couldas. He needs reassurance that he's taking exactly the right approach. He is a good man stuck in a terrible situation. Ron, put yourself in her shoes. How would you react? Why you may be homosexual yourself, you probably just haven't come to see it yet."

Ron ran his hands under his chin, his face a mask of reflection. He stood up and stiffly walked of the room.

"Excuse me."

"Were do you think he's going?" Will asked.

* * *

(Heavy breathing)

Sir Josh Mankey

Sir Josh Mankey

Sir Josh Mankey

Sir Josh Mankey

KIM COMBING HER HAIR AT NIGHT!

(Pause)

"Let's try this again'

Sir Josh Mankey

Sir Josh Mankey

Sir Josh Mankey

KIM EATING A KABOB!

Sir Josh Mankey

Sir Josh Mankey

KIM IN A WET DRESS STANDING IN THE RAIN!

Sir Josh Mankey

KIM SWEATING!

KIM SPREAD EA--

(Gasp)

Oh heavenly father

Ungh

Ahhh

(Embarrassed sigh)

* * *

Ron returned to his seat at the round table "Felix I have considered you comments, but no I can't exactly place my self in her shoes. Now I'm not only still suffering, but I'm also ashamed."

"Sir don't you think it's time to move on? You can't let this run your life." Dash said.

"Move on? We broke up yesterday"

"Whatever, there's plenty of other fish in the sea." Burn blurted out.

Ron turned to Felix "did he just say there's plenty of other fish in the sea? Is that what he's telling me?"

Before Felix could say another word Ron ordered every one out of the room or face a night in the dungeons. Sitting at the table he found despair as his only companion. He shut his eyes, hoping to find answers in the darkness. But for the life of him he could not think of what to do, he grew more and more frightened, until once again he began to weep, like a frail child.

"Friends there is a line that shall not be crossed in my presence" shouted a mocking voice.

Ron's eyes snapped open. The door to the room opened, and in came a little man, who said.

"My good man, why are you carrying so?"

Ron immediately jumped out of his seat, startled by what he saw. "What manner of sorcery is this?"

He was staring at himself, albeit a bluer, more dwarfish version of himself.

"I'm you, but I'm not you." The little man replied.

"Come again?"

"I'm you but I'm strong, you're you but you're weak. I am you but I spite, you are you and you cry. I can take what I want. You give up."

"I don't understand."

"The men, they joke, but deep down they respect your immaculate power. They will follow you anywhere, especially to the throne."

"Treason!" Ron pulled his sword from his scabbard.

"Vengeance! You've been a loyal dog for so long. And she blows you off on the slightest whim. You don't deserve that. No one deserves to be slighted in such fashion. Remember you are the one with power, act like you have a pair. Take what you want by force."

"NO!"

Ron was ready to attack but the other Ron was now nowhere to be seen.

* * *

When Kim and Ron's relationship hit a pothole and they couldn't turn to each other for whatever reason, they would reach out to their best friends, Ron to Felix and Kim to Monique. Though Lady Monique was a minor player in the grand scheme of things, she was still a person Kim could seek out when she needed to hear the truth. And at times even when Kim didn't want to hear it.

"Do you not find this unbelievably tragic?"

"No Monique, it's not tragic, it's divorce it happens all the time"

"Kim I don't care if you're into four legged trolls now. The way you treated Ron was wrong, no it was beyond wrong."

"Ron is strong enough to take care of himself."

"Kim, when did you become a pigeon-headed oaf, I can't believe you would say such a thing."

The two ladies traded bitter words as they descended a long staircase that spiraled down through many different floors past the dungeons, into the forgotten storage basement of the castle. Kim dragged a large sack behind her as Monique scolded her from three steps behind.

"Oh I know how strong Ron is because that's all I've heard for the past year. Ron defeating bandits, Ron the mighty cleaving trees with a swipe of sword, Ron the savior of the kingdom."

"Lady, are you jelling on Ron's success. He only got to this point for you."

Ignoring her best friend Kim rambled on. "People seem to forget that I was the one who carried Ron on my shoulders for all those years. They forget how I did most of the work. Ron doesn't need me; if he did he would have realized his place long ago."

"Kim do you realize how O.O.C you're being right now?"

"What?"

"Out of character hun, what has gotten into you?"

"Freedom Monique, freedom and passion!"

Burning with unprecedented vigor Kim pushed through the basement door "Wade!"

Upon being called, the teenaged mage appeared before them in a long blue robe. A wand in one hand a bowl in the other he greeted Kim with a bow.

"Save the formal stuff Wade."

"Very well" he extended the bowl to Kim and Monique "fish taco?"

Kim waved his offering away "I'll pass."

She then slung the sack at his Wade's feet. The sack opened and a mass of roses poured onto the ground.

"Wade I need you to teleport those roses to someone."

"Who?"

"Shego" Kim declared

Wade glanced at Monique who simply rolled her eyes "Um why?"

"Is it that unusual for one woman to be attracted to another? Do you have a problem with that? Are you some kind of bigot?"

"I don't follow what's going on?"

"It doesn't matter if you don't this is how it is! Just send the roses. I'll have a new sack brought down every hour; you will send them as soon as you get them."

"How am I supposed to track Shego?"

"I don't care how it gets done, just get it done!"

"Kim! Wade's your friend, you can't order him around like that" Monique protested.

Kim glared at Monique "what are you the angel on my shoulder? I'm Kim Possible, I can do anything…… and that includes what I want!"

With that the fiery red-head marched out of the room.

* * *

Although Drakken learned to love magic at a very early age, he never grew to love that act of honing one's own magic. So he stole, or more specifically Shego stole. She stole magic books, magic scrolls and magic artifacts. She stole anything that Drakken could incorporate into his own magic, to insure that his schemes were successful.

Shego was currently running a file through her nails when Drakken sprang into the room, waving his latest distraction in his hands.

"I've scanned this book for hours but I can't find a trace of anything decent."

"That's funny while you were talking I scanned myself for interest and I found no trace of that either."

"Oh Shego if only your lippyness was as potent as your magic. We'd all by in chains by now."

He skimmed through the book again "the only thing remotely interesting is the last page. But the spell is very hard to decipher."

The mad magician was in the process of wrapping his mind around the weird symbols in the spell book when a henchman cloaked in red swept into the room. He greeted Drakken and Shego with a salute.

"Sir I've just been informed that the king has issued a bounty on Shego. She is to be captured alive and brought to the castle for questioning."

Drakken threw his hands in the air "perfect timing, just when I was starting to make some sense of this book. There's a bounty put on my head."

"Actually the bounty was only placed on Shego's head."

Drakken scowled "hmmm must have been a clerical error."

Shego simply shrugged "not the first bounty placed on my head."

"Looks like we'll be on the run again" Drakken sighed before dismissing the henchmen.

With the henchmen gone Shego looked up from her nails "I like that guy; he's very disciplined, very henchman-y."

"Who Johnson?" Drakken asked.

"Yeah I like Johnson" Shego said while returning to her nails.

Drakken nodded "Johnson's a good man. Johnson's hard, rock hard."

"That's the way I like it."

Silence:

"Anyway" Drakken started. "Since we're going to be on the run--

For the second time in a matter of moments Drakken's train of thoughts were derailed, when a large sack abruptly materialized into the room. The sack hit the ground hard and dozens of flower exploded out into the air.

Shego and Drakken passed glances back and forth.

His tongue flicking across his bottom lip Drakken said "Shego you got home pretty late last night."

Shego slapped her right hand against her forehead "Oh for the love of Gods, I keep telling you I don't know where these flowers are coming from!"

"Yes I suppose that would be believable if we weren't getting flowers, every hour on the hour."

"Ok you see, I don't know why you're even upset. It's not like we're in a relationship or anything."

A frown crawled over Drakken's face "oh I see then you wouldn't mind me playing "guess which villainess likes to cuddle" with the henchman?"

Shego gasped "you swore you'd keep that a secret."

Drakken folded his arms over his chest "I don't see why I should keep anything a secret I'm not in a relationship."

Shego put her hands up as if to surrender "ok right now is not the time to play these mind games. I have a bounty on my head and we need to get out of this kingdom."

"For once you're right." Drakken returned to the book "maybe there's an answer in here."

* * *

He dreamed:

Of a strange world. A different world then the one belonging to the Kingdom of Kanen. A world of cities and machines, where magic and miracles were products of the imagination.

Two lovers, joined at the hip stand right before their newly acquired home. They kiss "Shego that was really naughty of you to try and kidnap the queen of England.

Shego chuckled "oh my bad, by the way don't be in France tomorrow I'm going to steal the Mona Lisa, just for the challenge."

"Hey now!"

The women peered down at the object they were standing on; the most exciting new fixture to their house, a brand new, very expensive talking door mat.

"I think it's so badical that you two got together. I mean yeah it took me awhile to get over you two having sex in a cave while Kim and I were still dating. But hey Que, Sera Sera amirite….HA…HA…HIYO! Here it is, your moment of Zen."

"Still best friends?" Kim asked.

"Sha, of course" The door mat cave them a wide and buffoonish grin "hey guys can I watch...heh heh…Yeah that's the ticket!"

All three very best of friends roared with laughter.

"Y'know because watching you two make love wouldn't have an emotional impact on me at all…..Ha, Ha A BOOYAH"

They laughed again.

"Whoa" the doormat exclaimed as its body suddenly became transparent

Shego studied the doormat "you seem to be fading in and out of existence again."

Kim shrugged "well these things happen."

"Whatchu Talkin' bout Kim?"

"Oh doormat" Shego and Kim chuckled in unison.

They laughed again, until their laughter reached the heavens.

* * *

Ron awoke in a pool of sweat, a salty lake crumpled in dingy sheets. It eventually dawned on him that he had only been dreaming. Bizarre dreams had not been uncommon to the fair haired hero but this one was beyond all that came before it. That is when he felt the heat.

"Riddle me this sir" said the little man from the foot of Ron's bed.

"Why as a married man society finds it totally unacceptable that you act on my attractions for other women. And yet if you are to walk an alternative path you are just being true to yourself by pursuing them."

Ron remained silent.

"This reminds me of tale about a selfish troll who abandons his village to embark on a grand adventure. Alas I've never seen a troll with an over abundant air of sophistication and superiority."

The little man laughed as his little legs kicked high up in the air.

"Damn you, leave me be."

Ron snatched his pillow and whipped it at the little man. But the pillow sailed harmlessly through the air. The little man was gone. Panicked and frustrated, the gallant young man jumped from his bed, and rushed to the cupboard. There he kept three statuettes representing the Holy Three. The Heavenly Fathers of the land, The Intrepid Mark, The Brilliant Bob, and the Magnanimous Steve."

He knelt before the Gods of Kanen.

"Fathers, there was once peace in my heart but now there is only trouble, I don't understand why….it isn't fair that I have to deal with this, it isn't fair that I must now be the reasonable one, it's not fair that I've done nothing wrong and yet I've lost all as it once was."

There came a gentle knock on the door that Ron ignored.

"My suffering grows daily from the lost of my love. But there is something else that grows within me. Never before have a seen Kimberly in a truly negative light however…"

"Maybe she should have figured her own life out before she ruined someone else!" the little man chortled from his bed.

Enraged Ron grabbed his sword from beneath his bed and lashed out violently at the cackling little Ron. He was four to five swings in when he felt a strong pair of hands wrap around his wrist. The haze of anger cleared from eyes, Ron found himself momentarily stunned as his second in command pulled the sword from his hand. A single glance at the bed told him his attacks had been futile, the little man was gone, and so was the heat. He was about to explain his actions when Felix announced that the princess was asking for him. His heart fluttered for a moment but the serious looking coming from Felix answered all the questions in his mind. No matter how much he could hope it would be nothing more than a professional meeting.

"Remain amicable and sensible for your kingdom my friend, and for a happy life, not because it's fair."

Ron acknowledged his friend's advice with a simple nod

To his surprise the princess was waiting for them outside. She called them over with a friendly wave. Of course the sight of her pained him deeply, but for the sake of the kingdom he kept a carefree mask upon his face. When he was finally before her and their eyes locked, he thought he saw a familiar shine in her eyes. The shine was what encouraged him to be the hero he was today. The shine eased his spirits when he was most distressed. The shine gave him hope during the most harrowing adventures. Even when she wasn't near and the enemies were many, he'd close his eyes and see the shine, as he did now.

"Ron it's good to see that your well."

"Thanks KP"

"I suppose that you shall be retuning to your duties now."

Or perhaps it was all truly just wishful thinking.

"You are right my lady, I have neglected my obligations, and for that I am sorry."

"You're forgiven." She smiled "yesterday I placed a bounty on Shego's head. The plan was for her to be captured and brought to the castle. Today I realize the error of my judgment; I cannot have any old peasant manhandling my beloved on the way to the castle. That is why I'm officially giving the job to you. You are to bring her to me unharmed and unscathed."

"You wish for me to bring Shego to you."

"Yes, you are the only one I trust on this matter my champion" that said she gave him a tender kiss on the cheek.

He watched her walk away in silence. Normally such sorrow would buckle a regular man. But there were times when Ron would show true grit and mettle. Where he would show such remarkable fortitude that it would amaze everyone around him.

This was not one of those times.

Felix watched as his general zombie-walked in a random direction, with twin trails of tears trailing down his cheek. Felix hoped that, some fresh air and the walk alone would appease Ron's troubled mind.

* * *

Not since the fist annual festival of light, had such fervor been whipped up amongst the servants of the castle. Dozens of them marched in and out of the castle; they ranged from window washers to cooks, rug cleaners, to shoe shiners. Using a magic bullhorn Kim; who happened to be surrounded by newly recruited guards; barked orders to the servants from the castle rooftop.

The princess had taken it onto herself to declare that the castle was not fit to receive her lover. The floors and walls were to be polished; the ballroom and dining room were to be refurnished, and the riffraff were to be driven out of the dungeons. Kim was very pleased with herself; it was about time someone took a firm hand with the kingdom.

"I'm famished" she glanced over her shoulders at the guards seated at a table on the other side of the roof.

How dare they feast without offering some food to their princess she thought.

"You men."

They turned to her.

"What are you munching on?"

"Box"

Silence:

The guards glanced at each other. "Barbecued ox, it's an acquired taste" said one.

"Oh well, I don't think I'd enjoy the taste of that at all."

"Ok how about some muff—

Silence:

--ins?"

Kim bit her bottom lip "hmmm no, that's not my cup of tea either."

Silence:

"Anyway someone run down to the kitchen and…."

She was suddenly interrupted by another guard. "Lady Monique requests an audience with you."

"Send her up" Kim commanded.

Monique entered the roof with anger and frustration written all over her face. "Kim do not tell me you ordered Ron to retrieve Shego for you?"

Kim sighed as stared up into the dark night sky "Monique, have you ever danced with the devil by the pale moonlight?"

"Excuse me?"

"Why shouldn't I give Ron orders Monique, is it not his duty to serve his kingdom?"

"But he's your best friend, and at one time, not long ago, he was more!"

"Was, is the keyword there Monique. Besides if he was truly my friend he'd want me to be happy."

"You don't care that he's hurting do you?"

Kim's grin ran from ear to ear "that's were you're wrong I do care Monique. I care about me and what is _mine_, I care about _my_ love, _my_ family, _and my_ friends. I care about those who are loyal to me. So Monique if you don't mind I shall have the guards escort you out before you say something traitorous."

Two of Kim's guards appeared from behind her and grabbed Monique by the arms.

Another random guard stepped through the roof's entrance and saluted. "Speaking of yours princess, the servants found this painting in your bedroom. They're not sure if you would care to keep it."

"Bring it to me."

Two servants entered carrying a large portrait. They brought the portrait before her. Kim gazed at the painting, it was a beautiful depiction of the moment Kim and Ron had officially become a couple. There they were on the canvas, with their eyes closed. They leaned forward both anticipating the touch of the other's lips. The transition from friendship to lovers was seconds away.

Everyone stared as the princess solemnly ran her fingers across the face of the painting. She drew in a deep breath and let it out very slowly.

"Burn it" she said with a shudder "it displeases me"

"You've become quite the witch." Monique muttered under her breath.

Kim ran her hands together "perhaps, but that would still make me the H.W.I.C"

"Huh?"

'The head witch in charge" Kim cackled.

* * *

The lake was cool; it kept the heat of his body. The heat was maddening. Ron broke the surface of the water and found himself staring up at the moon as it peeked weakly behind dark clouds. Not the most inspiring sight he thought to himself. He swam towards the boat dock and pulled himself out of the water. Sighing mournfully he sat there alone at the edge of the dock.

"I don't think, therefore I am not" he told himself.

It was then that he heard wolf whistles and howls, coming from across the lake. He looked up to see an accumulation of women waving at him. Clearly confused he waved back. Suddenly he felt the presence of someone creeping up behind him.

He turned. "Lady Tara?"

"I see you've discovered you're harem" she told him.

His eyes went back and forth between the women and Tara "harem?"

"Yes, the news of your separation with the princess has reached the court ladies. And quite frankly you're very popular amongst the maidens."

"Really? They're interested in me." Ron said with genuine surprise.

She looked him over "well why wouldn't they be? I say you're being too modest. You certainly have changed over the years Ron. Look at you with your sandy blonde hair flowing slightly in the wind, and the soft, supple red lips of your glowing smile; your brown eyes gazing deeply into mine, as if you were lost in me, studying my soul.

"I'm not going to lie to here Tara, but you're making me a little uncomfortable."

Drops of spittle dripped past her lips as Tara's tongue rolled out of her mouth "your hard body glistening from the sweat and water. Hard pecs that are just begging to be touched licked and worshiped. Washboard abs that would probably give excellent stimulation to my right hand, as I slowly brushed over them."

"Are…are you ok?"

Tara blushed "That must have sounded pretty strange. I'll um….can I just blow my warm breath over your moist body."

Ron backed away "my lady, aren't you betrothed to Josh?"

In a sudden, one swoop manner she leaned forward to kiss him while her hand darted into his trunks.

Ron pulled himself from her grasp "whoa, whoa, whoa" he cried.

"Do I not please you my lord."

"Wait a minute." He stopped to catch his breath "what's gotten into to you?"

"It's what's about to get into me, that I'm interested in" she purred.

"Wow that was unexpected" Ron exclaimed

She came at him again but Ron sidestepped her "wait a minute, wait a minute. I'm flattered but I just got out of relationship."

"Oh, are, are you still not over that?"

"No! It's only been a few days!"

She shrugged "well you know with your carefree nature. I just assumed that you'd have moved on by now."

"In seventy two hours!" He replied incredulously "It was the longest and most serious relationship I've ever had in my life. I was in love!"

"Ok, we don't need to get into anything tremendous at first. We can just simply be really _good_ _friends_ if you are so inclined."

"What type of man do you think I am?"

She placed a finger under her chin "well I was hoping you're the slow and gentle type of man. But I'm wiling to accept the alternatives."

Momentarily speechless Ron let his eyes fall to the assortment of women straggling closer to them.

Tara followed his eyes "They'll be here in just about ten minutes. If we're quick we might still be able to get o…."

When Tara around she found that Ron was no longer with her, she saw movement in the lake and was able to catch a brief glimpse of Ron before he dove beneath the dark surface of the water.

* * *

The way the princess rejected his love had hurt Ron deeply. So after his misadventure at the lake Ron had set it upon himself to keep clear of Kim. Setting his eyes on her would be as if someone had reached into his chest, cut out his heart and then forced him to eat it. And his heart tasted very, very, bitter. So as he stumbled wet into the courtyard of the castle he pontificated on how to avoid her.

(It feels weird around the kingdom)

_Is that right?_

Ron shambled forward as Rufus galloped up behind him.

(Dark clouds, feels like funeral without the festivities)

_Uh-huh_

(Cheese festival in the Kingdom of Go; let's go, just the two of us.)

Ron reached over and patted his friend.

NIGHTSHADE, TOADSTOOL, ARSENIC, CYANIDE--

_Do you hear that old friend? _

(Hear what?)

"Never mind"

The little man had returned and he was currently tailing Ron and Rufus. Rufus of course was not aware of the little man, and so he could not hear the other Ron rattle off a list of deadly poisons. Poisons that could by chance find their way into the royal cereal bowls, as a joke of course, just for kicks.

The little blue man danced around Ron and Rufus, thrusting his legs up in the air.

"Boo-ya ha ha is what I crow

No longer weak, no longer mild

One more bad day and the world shall know

That Zorpox I am styled!"

Ron removed his sword from the scabbard and attempted a half hearted swipe at the small man.

"Sword practice at this time of day?"

The princess entered Ron's field of vision wearing a glamorous green gown studded with crystals. His evasive tactics already foiled, Ron groaned inwardly to himself. When she moved in closer he instructed Rufus to leave them alone. Once Rufus was gone Kim smiled brightly at him, this promoted a stream of obscenities to burst forth from the little man's mouth.

"Quite the dedicated soldier you are" she said.

"No training, just a walk" he replied. "I……"

"What?"

LAPDOG FOR YEARS! NO MORE YOU WENCH! NO MORE!

"I'm not sure about whether or not I should compliment your dress."

"You should, this is the gown I shall be wearing to the welcome home ball I am throwing for Shego."

Ron kicked a stone from underfoot "it's lovely, it matches your eyes."

"Ever the flatterer."

TREATED ME SCUM, TREATED ME LIKE A DOG, LIKE A SPINELESS WORM

"Only when it comes to you my lady!"

"That is very sweet." What followed was a very long pause "Ron before you go on, I hope you do realize that false hope only leads to more pain."

HUMILATE HER, CURSE HER, SMASH HER RIDICULOUS PRIDE!

He nodded solemnly "I understand."

"Why are you wet?" She asked.

Ron looked his body up and down "I ran into some admirers at the lake. I had to make a quick escape."

Kim's regarded him with a raised eyebrow "you're admirers; yes I've heard you've become favored among the ladies of the court."

She said this to him with a slight edge to her voice.

Then she huffed with feigned aloofness "I suppose since you are single now, you should enjoy your bachelorhood."

Ron waited until Kim was at his side before he asked "is that an order my lady?"

She continued on past him with a stiff back and a quickened pace.

"You better get inside before you catch a cold" she declared.

THANK THE HEAVENS NO ONE WITNESSED THAT PATHETIC SPECTACLE!

What the little man said was not exactly true. Yes no one had been within eye sight or earshot of Kim and Ron that night. But someone had witnessed the scene that night. The hooded figure saw it that night via magic crystal. He saw it and was pleased.

* * *

A/N What to expect in the next chapter.

a) We learn Shego's tragic past.

b) Ron strips i.e fun with Harems

c) Stupid puns and third grade jokes.

d) The return of Tara the sexual deviant.

I hope you found it somewhat funny. It wasn't the most sophisticated story but. Leave a review tel me what you think because there's a good chance I may pull this story if I don't like the direction it's headed.


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